aaaaand another one

I wish I was as brave in the real world as I am in my own kitchen. I've been concocting all sorts of stuff in the kitchen of our humble home for 10 months now. Like a boss. But I've never been one to enjoy cooking before. So the fact that i'm doing such a great job (ask my husband :p) baffles me. I don't do recipes. It's just not my thing. I read them and try to put a twist on them (i.e. add ginger because ginger awesomizes every dish), but that's about it. I've never doubted my food would turn out good. Some days, while i'm cooking, I don't even taste check it anymore and just serve it right up on the dinner table. I like to surprise myself like that. There have been times where i've had to pour water into it to try to pass it off as soup. But I haven't made soup lately, so we're obviously making some progress ;) Also, soup probably won't be as enjoyable in the summer time when our kitchen decides it wants to be a sauna instead.


David sat me down and gave me a great talk this morning. Thank you Lord for wise husbands who love their wives! Somehow my line of vision was skewed and it was really affecting my perception of what people were saying to me. So I semi-passionately expressed my frustrations with the world and people's expectations of me in our sauna of a kitchen. I knew I wasn't right. Something was very wrong about how I was thinking and feeling. It's intereting to observe how someone (a friend) can mean well and really encourage you with their speech, but then you would take it to mean the absolute opposite of that and would instead crush your spirit and make you a little angry. When I finally had some time to chill out and stop throwing my little tantrum, I realized it was all a lie. People don't look down on me and judge me. They don't want to take advantage of me. They don't belittle my skills and abilities. Those are all lies. Lies that have materialized from out of nowhere into my mind and anchored themselves there. Lies are despicable things. They really can seem like truths if we're not careful. I wasn't. But I thank the Lord for all the ways he corrects me. And I realized that HIS love for me is not even based on any physical quality, comedic skills, charm, talent, or emotional capacity to not be a brat. HE knows when i'm annoyed or impatient. He sees the degree to which we sometimes like to dwell in our anger and even curse people in our minds. I'm so thankful for HIS truths. In this particular situation, for HIS truth that "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."


I realize that I started this post with "bravity" in mind. I guess I would have to elaborate my story a little further. But I don't like long blog entries. So i'm just gonna say this: Because I was believing in the enemy's lies about me, I started to doubt the Lord. I started to doubt His faithfulness, which made me very fearful about the future. Which made me think and act the way I did. 


I don't know that anyone would want to be my friend if they knew about all the garbage my mind has sat in. But the Lord does. He saves and sustains. Hallelujah, there is always hope in GOD!

finally thinking

My mind has been to a lot of new places lately...venturing way beyond what I've known to be good and acceptable. In the process of adjusting to this new life (and culture) i'm finding that a lot of my beliefs really weren't that great after all.

Being married has really flung wide open the closed doors inside of me. A lot of my insecurities and fears and the unexamined things I believed about life and love, God and family (which didn't make sense sometimes) were all of a sudden made clear and accessible to someone else...my husband. Scary, right? Especially if you're married to a man like mine. Those of you who know my husband, know that he likes to "dive" into things. He can be swimming for hours in a deep ocean of thought. A lot of times i've had to holler at him from the shore trying to get him to swim faster so we can move on to something else...like eat ice cream or go thrift store shopping (wink). But making time to process things together and to really talk has been foundational in our marriage. So I'm learning to get into the water with him--finding meaning and value in going where it's deep and unfamiliar.

It's amazing how much of himself the Lord reveals in marriage. Whenever I experience kindness and love from David (my husband), it always results in praise towards GOD. We've had days when we've really had to work (hard) at communicating with each other and understanding what it is that the other is saying. There are some days when I would have no desire or energy to "talk it out," but it has always ended in peaceful resolution through the grace of GOD.

I came from a really angry place. And I've lived there all my life. My insides were all messed up. Eventhough I might have looked good on the outside, there was a whole lot of rotting garbage and death in me. I honestly could've lived my whole life like that. It would've been a shame, but I would'nt have cared.

My mind has been rescued since then. Thank you Lord! It has since been set free from false reasoning about myself and who I am and who people want me to be. I'm learning not to hate people or judge them. I am learning to be patient, seeing the patience David has for me and all the junk I'm having to sort through. I'm learning that becoming like Jesus takes time but that there's never a moment when He is not showing us how to be like Him. I'm learning to enjoy and endure the things I cannot control, knowing and believing that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I'm learning to open my eyes to the reality that I exist for the Lord and his pleasure and what a beautiful truth that is.