Movies are awesome except when they're not

I went on a hike with my husband last Sunday. (Pause for laughter) I'm not particularly fond of hiking. Growing up in the Philippines, I had probably hiked, oh about...never. Somehow, being outside in "nature" just wasn't as exciting as staying at home watching cartoons and stuffing our faces with candy or wandering around the mall. I tried to describe the hike I wanted and he just said, "Oh, so you want to go for a walk." Lol. We did end up going to Tumbling Run . He was very excited to show me his favorite place to hike, and I was excited because I was gonna try to catch an owl or two! (wink wink)

Well, I didn't catch an owl that day. I guess it's back to looking at cute owls on the internet for now. Also, i'm proud to say I only screamed in horror once. I managed to kill a bug with my eye because it flew into it. And then I screamed again because I was sure it had laid it's monstrous little bug eggs in my eye! But it didn't. So it's all good. *Note to self: Bring protective eyewear when hiking.*

It was so cool to find little trails intertwining and connecting. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of people, have walked through there--shaping little pathways that all lead up to the top of the mountain. You hike next to a little brooke running down boulders, rocks, and fallen branches. You hop, leap, and balance yourself up a trail that is constantly changing. David would clap his hands every now and then to alert wildlife that we were there. I was a more aggressive clapper. I clapped like there was no tomorrow. I just didn't want to be eaten by giant snakes or wild mountain lions with a taste for frail-looking little Asian women. For the most part though, I really enjoyed seeing my husband lavishing in the beauty of God's creation.

By the time we had reached the top, we were about ready for a nap. So he put up the 2 hammocks he had in his back pack and we just laid there for a while. It was also about that time that I realized how thrillers and horror movies kind of ruined me. I couldn't just relax and fall asleep. It just seemed like the perfect opportunity for that band of deformed mountain men to come out from behind the bushes and grab us and take us back to their little mountain hut full of people parts in jars. Either that, or for that lonely 40-something guy who lives by himself who likes to go "hiking" in the woods on weekends to shoot random hikers. Or, as I mentioned before, mountain lions. And bears. What's wrong with me? There we were on the top of the mountain--so peaceful, so quite and beautiful and all I could think of were all of these horrific scenarios of death and decapitation. How enveloped in darkness was my mind. There was a little black cloud on top of that mountain that day. It was me.

I have since resolved to...well...writing this blog entry. Over the years, I have become more and more open with my struggles and bringing them to the light. There's just so much freedom in seeing the darkness flee from the light...the old self dying and the new self being put on. I want to be conscious about the things I expose myself to, from now on. Some of the stuff out there is really destructive. The world is not like the movies--thank GOD! I am just so glad that I'm finally finding a release from the oppression of my imagination!

I really praise my Maker for every single solitary thing He does for me. He calls me to follow him and then equips me with every imaginable thing I could ever need to do it. How do you even begin to express gratefulness to Someone so inexpressibly good?

aaaaand another one

I wish I was as brave in the real world as I am in my own kitchen. I've been concocting all sorts of stuff in the kitchen of our humble home for 10 months now. Like a boss. But I've never been one to enjoy cooking before. So the fact that i'm doing such a great job (ask my husband :p) baffles me. I don't do recipes. It's just not my thing. I read them and try to put a twist on them (i.e. add ginger because ginger awesomizes every dish), but that's about it. I've never doubted my food would turn out good. Some days, while i'm cooking, I don't even taste check it anymore and just serve it right up on the dinner table. I like to surprise myself like that. There have been times where i've had to pour water into it to try to pass it off as soup. But I haven't made soup lately, so we're obviously making some progress ;) Also, soup probably won't be as enjoyable in the summer time when our kitchen decides it wants to be a sauna instead.


David sat me down and gave me a great talk this morning. Thank you Lord for wise husbands who love their wives! Somehow my line of vision was skewed and it was really affecting my perception of what people were saying to me. So I semi-passionately expressed my frustrations with the world and people's expectations of me in our sauna of a kitchen. I knew I wasn't right. Something was very wrong about how I was thinking and feeling. It's intereting to observe how someone (a friend) can mean well and really encourage you with their speech, but then you would take it to mean the absolute opposite of that and would instead crush your spirit and make you a little angry. When I finally had some time to chill out and stop throwing my little tantrum, I realized it was all a lie. People don't look down on me and judge me. They don't want to take advantage of me. They don't belittle my skills and abilities. Those are all lies. Lies that have materialized from out of nowhere into my mind and anchored themselves there. Lies are despicable things. They really can seem like truths if we're not careful. I wasn't. But I thank the Lord for all the ways he corrects me. And I realized that HIS love for me is not even based on any physical quality, comedic skills, charm, talent, or emotional capacity to not be a brat. HE knows when i'm annoyed or impatient. He sees the degree to which we sometimes like to dwell in our anger and even curse people in our minds. I'm so thankful for HIS truths. In this particular situation, for HIS truth that "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."


I realize that I started this post with "bravity" in mind. I guess I would have to elaborate my story a little further. But I don't like long blog entries. So i'm just gonna say this: Because I was believing in the enemy's lies about me, I started to doubt the Lord. I started to doubt His faithfulness, which made me very fearful about the future. Which made me think and act the way I did. 


I don't know that anyone would want to be my friend if they knew about all the garbage my mind has sat in. But the Lord does. He saves and sustains. Hallelujah, there is always hope in GOD!

finally thinking

My mind has been to a lot of new places lately...venturing way beyond what I've known to be good and acceptable. In the process of adjusting to this new life (and culture) i'm finding that a lot of my beliefs really weren't that great after all.

Being married has really flung wide open the closed doors inside of me. A lot of my insecurities and fears and the unexamined things I believed about life and love, God and family (which didn't make sense sometimes) were all of a sudden made clear and accessible to someone else...my husband. Scary, right? Especially if you're married to a man like mine. Those of you who know my husband, know that he likes to "dive" into things. He can be swimming for hours in a deep ocean of thought. A lot of times i've had to holler at him from the shore trying to get him to swim faster so we can move on to something else...like eat ice cream or go thrift store shopping (wink). But making time to process things together and to really talk has been foundational in our marriage. So I'm learning to get into the water with him--finding meaning and value in going where it's deep and unfamiliar.

It's amazing how much of himself the Lord reveals in marriage. Whenever I experience kindness and love from David (my husband), it always results in praise towards GOD. We've had days when we've really had to work (hard) at communicating with each other and understanding what it is that the other is saying. There are some days when I would have no desire or energy to "talk it out," but it has always ended in peaceful resolution through the grace of GOD.

I came from a really angry place. And I've lived there all my life. My insides were all messed up. Eventhough I might have looked good on the outside, there was a whole lot of rotting garbage and death in me. I honestly could've lived my whole life like that. It would've been a shame, but I would'nt have cared.

My mind has been rescued since then. Thank you Lord! It has since been set free from false reasoning about myself and who I am and who people want me to be. I'm learning not to hate people or judge them. I am learning to be patient, seeing the patience David has for me and all the junk I'm having to sort through. I'm learning that becoming like Jesus takes time but that there's never a moment when He is not showing us how to be like Him. I'm learning to enjoy and endure the things I cannot control, knowing and believing that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." I'm learning to open my eyes to the reality that I exist for the Lord and his pleasure and what a beautiful truth that is.

Happily disqualified

A very good friend of mine once asked me, "What's your favorite part about being married?" I wanted to give a profound, poetic answer…but really it was easy. My husband, David. The man i married is my favorite part of being married. I know some older married couples might roll their eyes and say, "Wait a while, it'll wear off." But i promise you, it never will. Because being with my husband makes me think about the Lord's goodness. And the Lord's goodness means life to me. I've prayed for the longest time for the Lord to place a desire in me for more of Himself. And i'm blessed to be able to claim that God has become my treasure.

I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good. The journey of getting to this season of my life has entailed a lot of faith and boldness on my part. But even that faith and boldness can only come from the Lord. The more i look at the victories i've had, the more i grasp only His greatness in it all. I delight in showing the world what disqualifies me from triumphs in life, because then they understand that my God is real.

I grew up witnessing drug, alcohol and endless physical abuse. I was destined for a life of misery, darkness and defeat. The world was an awful, desperate place full of hopelessness. Every time i think about it, i thank the Lord for the miracle of coming out alive and well. Somehow, despite being surrounded by suffocating darkness, i was able to breathe. God had preserved my life. Before i even had the intellectual capacity to know that a god existed, there He was covering me. How do you forget a God like that? You can't.

Many miraculous things have happened since then. Despite coming from a "broken family" making me virtually unsuitable as a wife (which, in my experience, is a popular belief back home in the Philippines), i am married to someone who loves the heck out of me, and it's great! The Lord continues to supply all my needs in order to live and work in the United States and i'm grateful to know it doesn't end there.

I believe we're all part of a much bigger picture than we could ever understand. A lot of times, our own individual lives don't seem very exciting. But that doesn't mean the Lord isn't working. One of the most valuable lessons i've come to learn (and am still learning) is that we don't need to have extraordinary abilities to do extraordinary things. We just gotta believe Him--what He says and does. I once came across a quote saying "We're only as close to God as we want to be," and speaking from my own experience, it's through seeking Him (and finding Him) that we are able to truly believe. 

I'm on my way to discovering the purpose of my being here…all the while trusting that whatever the Lord has for me will ultimately bring Him glory. And that's what excites and encourages me everyday. Not that anything particularly exciting is going to happen, but the fact that i get to be a part of something that pleases my Creator blows me away everytime. Wow. What a marvelous GOD i serve!