a much needed awakening

Today I woke up only to fully realize the wretched state of spiritual deadness and failure I was living in all those years that I could've lived in joyous victory and power. I used to believe that" happiness" was part of the Christian life. I was bent on proving to GOD himself that I didn't deserve anything good from him--so I never asked for anything, at all. Not financial provision, not direction, and not any material thing. I used to look down on people who asked GOD for blessings and stuff. It's only now that i'm realizing how scarily judgmental I was. The enemy has successfully led me to believe in a false god--an unkind, distant god whose goodness I wasn't' allowed to experience because it's not what the Christian life is all about. It's not about being happy or prosperous or having dreams and goals. I became severely defeatist…walking around with the wrong kind of attitude towards life and God, almost completely FAITHLESS. 

I wasn't able to practice putting my trust in the Lord. I never truly knew him as GOD of the universe and creator of all things. I missed out on a lot of opportunities for Him to display his might and power because I never believed him to be ALL that He says he is. Isn't that a shame? Isaiah 40:12 says:

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,  

or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens? 

Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket, 

or weighed the mountains on the scales 

and the hills in a balance? 

 I read somewhere that "God uses the created realm to whisper the truths of the spiritual." Everyday we witness his immeasurable greatness and yet we persist on living well beneath the standard He himself would have us live. 

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power 

and of love and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Is there a life happier than that of someone who is close to GOD? I was set free today from a lie that had become so dominant in my Christian walk that it made me a spiritual cripple. Now i live in the truth that I'm loved by Jesus who is infinitely beautiful and wonderful. That alone satisfies me, everyday. He is my hope and confidence.

I'm excited about receiving great things from my Father now! I don't feel the same old guilt I used to feel whenever I would desire good things. I believe that whatever He has in store for me is beyond awesome. And I only want what He wants :) 

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

So YAY for the future! Thank you Jesus. <3